i'm home

first, here's some clips of what i wrote in my journal during my time in the airport:

is this really for real? that i'm sitting in an airport about to go home for the first time since June? ti's so crazy b/c i felt this day would never come, and yet here it is, having come so quickly. and suddnly i have this new feeling of not wanting to go back. of knowing how difficult it's going to be. i think i'll always wish i could fuse together various places, times, and people that i've encountered. i'm alway stuck in the middle of these separate wrlds. i haven't been emotional much until the evening was winding down. the entire day was just a blur--another walk in kibera, another visit at popo's, another day of art at BOLM and me frustrated rying to cram so many people in 1 room. somewhere after all this i started to get sad. maybe it was Dottie giving me her old pink skirt as a thank you (i had told her a few weeks ago i liked it) and me knowing she hardly has anything. or maybe it was all the thank you notes and hugs and sappiness. and the anxiety overy leaving and wondering if my bags were too heavy or if i'd get stopped at immigration. but God is good and faithful and there were no problems (i scoped out the immigration people ahead of time and looked for the smiling ones).

these americans are sitting here whining about having their crochet needles taken (read the website people). why are americans always the loud, obnoxious ones?

ways my life will change tomorrow:
today i ride in a mat. tomorrow a car
today i eat only carbs. let the fruit/veggies begin tomorrow
today i'm hiding money undr my clothes. tomorrow i can safely carry a pure.

feb. 14 london, heathrow airport
it's quite an overwhelming odd expereince sitting here people watching at startbucks, where I just spent $7 on chair and a muffin, which is hard for me to fathom b/c i could have spent the same and bought a large meal for 3 people in nairobi. the 1st thing you notice is the overwhleming sense of fashion pervading life here. i've never seen an airport with so many perfume stores and expensive clothing shops. everyone's wearing a peacoat except for me here in my Jesus sandls that barely fit after my feet swelled like a pregnant woman during that flight. i scared the man next to me half to death trying to jump over him unsuccessfully on my way to the toilet. (i didn't want to wake him up).

i've forgotten how fast fast foo dis. it's funny watching people run through the terminal after never having to worry about being late. with my hair plaited and this loud, floral shirt, i stick out like well. the only slight cultural redeeming quality is my purse from Melissa (from target and from this season and similar to what everyone is carrying around here) and the fact that i'm wearing blac. my head is starting to spin and i feel off balance from lack of sleep and al this traveling. i have to laugh at all the Ugg boots and LL Bean bags--the dressing to impress. the BA customer service woman was complimenting about my hair and where i traveled from.

tara says she likes the long journey back home, that it gives her time to reflect, adjust, and prepare for what's next. i don't think i like it. it's too prolonged of a period waiting full of anticipation but of not knowing what to expect, which I suppose leads to anxiety. anxiety of waiting and wondering if i'm going to get through immigration w/o problems.

it's a short term limbo that feels much longer than it actually is. limbo b/c you look back at the people you've left behind wi fond memories and sadness at being removed from their lives and looking ahead to the people at home which are part of your past and yet they will again shape your future. it's like a time machine--you've been taken forward into this new life and now you're jolted back to the old, expected to pick up somewhere where you left off. in this limbo your body doesn't relly know which way it wants to go. there are gravatational pulls on both sides, leaving you confused and exhausted. combine all these forces with jet lag and your body becomes a swirling mess of dizziness and confusion.

i suppose an instant jolt form 1 culture to the next would be too drastic of a change and cause more problems. so despite the exhaustion of the limbo, at least it gives you time for reality to sink in that life is about to drastically change. at least the airport provides the beginning platform for culture shock--the materialism, consumerism, before you walk out the doors to "actual life."

chicago airport:
the one thing americans do slower are phone conversations--on and on, just like in person, with no worries about running out of minutes.

my hair is opening so many doors for conversations with african americans. they all keep stopping me on the way through security and while walking around the airport. "she did good girl. it even looks like your hair." i like this.

feb. 16, today right now:
i had a nice welcoming in the airport: mom, dad, ashley, andrea, judy, jeff, kristen, nedra, jeff, brooke, matt, ryan. they were all holding big signs, blowing bubbles, and yelling. i started running up the terminal when i saw them and all the security guards were turning around wondering what was going on. my face hurt from smiling so much in that first 5 minute.

i have been pigging out like it's thanksgiving or christmas. seriously, not joking. i came home and ate lots of fruits an vegetables that mom had ready. on the plane it was funny b/c they brought us chicken and pasta and salad and i loved it even if was like eating cafeteria food. i've never been so excited to eat plane food.

i've already changed from how i was in kenya b/c i havent' been shaking people's hands like you do there. i guess i've been giving lots of hugs though. there's been several comments by people now who thought that i'd come back really skinny. i had to explain that no, most africans are not super skinny. and lots of people thought i lived in a hut or something? come on now.

being home is fine. but i suspect after the celebrity feeling rubs off in a few weeks that reality is going to set in. the reality of not having job and being clueless about what's next for me in life. i pray that God will open doors and give me wisdom about where i am being called next.

my last night

so tonight is my last night here.  somehow i've managed to still stay awake, even though it's past 1 a.m.  melissa, lauren, and i were up making buckeyes for the kids at BOLM tomorrow.  they had a little party for me in the office today.  lots of people came and said all sorts of nice things and we had some snacks and juice.  they gave me a masai blanket as a going away present and sarah gave me a batik.  jane and sarah were both crying, which surprised me a bit.  i guess you don't realize how much people are going to miss you until the time actually hits.  i got so sad going to the juvenile today to say bye to the boys.  i feel like i really know them, and i'm afraid i'll lose contact and not really know how they're doing.  salim pulled me aside and held up a paper in front of his face so know one could see.  then he whispered to me that he was really going to miss me.  he's a pretty shy boy, and i thought this was really sweet.

we had devotions tonight, and i said goodbye to amie.  she's been working nights, so i probably won't see her anymore.  in the midst of this began this event: first, i've sort of known for most of my time here that milham likes me.  he never really said anything directly, but there were hints, and i could just tell.  i wasn't sure if everyone else in the house knew though.  in any case, he made some comment about it after the devotions when everyone else was sitting in the room.  something like asking if God had granted me favor with a mate from Kenya, or something goofy like that.  but it was funny b/c amie cut him off before he even asked saying that she knew what he was going to say.  then she made some comment about how milham desperately wanted an american wife.  the whole thing was pretty hilarious, and it was pretty clear that amie and peter both knew about the whole situation.  i never really had any other marriage proposals as i expected to get while here, so i guess this is as close as it gets.

 

i went to kibera in the morning to deliver the penpal letters and have them write responses.  it was funny b/c all the kids were staring at my hair as i came in and making comments.  that class seemed very sad about me leaving too.  i decided to give away the pictures that judy had sent of her class.  i put them on a sheet of posterboard and wrote lots of stuff.  i had intended to hang it up in the classroom, but victor said i couldn't b/c someone would steal it.  so for the past 2 months, it's been sitting in the office in the school.  i pulled it out today and gave it to this boy, leonard, who had been sharing all these foam animal things for making cards with everyone around him.  i said b/c he was being so generous i was choosing him.  he was very happy.

popo went to the doctor yesterday b/c there are these big growths on his skin that are really bothering him.  we thought it could be cancer or some kind of cyst.  i insisted that he had to go to a good hospital to get some real answers.  so he went to nairobi hospital.  the dermatologist he saw there seems to have good credentials.  he suspected cancer but after blood tests and other things said that it wasn't.  it's some kind of growth though, that is spreading and really big under the skin.  so he's scheduled to have surgery next week.  he was really upset when i met him yesterday...partly b/c these bumps were bothering him and b/c he found out the surgery was really expensive.  but i think this is a pretty serious thing and told him i'm willing to help pay for it.  victor thought maybe another hospital could do the same thing for cheaper.  but i don't think it's a good idea.  i think this doctor knows what he's talking about, and i've seen what other hospitals do to people.  please pray that the operation goes well.  it's a two day thing, and they'll be putting in stitches and removing them.  you can tell that popo is not himself right now, and i'm really praying things will turn around quickly.

my things are packed basically, and i just have to say bye to the BOLM kids and a few others tomorrow.  i've given victor strict instructions for when the taxi should arrive b/c i've seen lots of other MSTs almost miss their flights b/c they can't get out the door.  again pray for my safety, that my bags would arrive with nothing missing or broken, and know problems with the visa.  i so appreciate all your prayers and support.  i couldn't have done this without you.

anxiety, hamburgers, and chaos

i feel relaxed and good at the moment. i woke up with a lot of anxiety. i've been having wierd dreams...like of me being in nakumatt when it was burning down and then i got out, or of me teaching and my class being completely out of control and me promising never to teach again. i've had this dream several times even while teaching. lauren says it must mean something...some anxiety about something. anyway, it better not mean i have to stop teaching b/c i don't want to do that. but today i think i was partially anxious about leaving and partially about talking with peter about my time here (we had a meeting today). but i remembered that verse "do not be anxious about anything but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." i wanted to be tactful but very honest about things can be improved, especially regarding communication between everyone. kenyans absolutely avoid confrontation, and i talked a lot about how it was so necessary. the meeting went really well, and i feel very relieved. i want to leave africa remembering the good. yes, there have been hard parts, but that's to be expected anywhere, esp. in a non western environment. i want to come back someday, and so i want to leave remembering positive things. peter asked me what i wanted for my last meal--chapati of course. i feel like a death row person who's selecting the last meal before execution. okay wierd comparison.

i've spent all of this afternoon hanging out with my good friend, popo, who happens to be sitting right next to me watching me type. i introduced him to what we call a "hamburger" today. exciting experience. he gives it an 8 on a scale of 1-10. now we've been at the cyber for a while trying to print all these penpal letters to give to the kids tomorrow.

i've had a bit of a headache all day b/c of these silly braids. maria sprayed my head down with all this tea tree braid treatment, which seemed to help a bit. i said bye to her today. i think she's quite sad.

as i'm getting ready to leave, it makes me think about how to best describe nairobi to people. if i had to sum it up in one word i'd say "chaotic." i mean seriously, people are going a million different directions at once. furthermore,it's such a blend of old and new...i mean you have people pulling crates of stuff, others riding bikes, and others in cars all in the same place. there's competition for everything, including just getting into a matatu or even the supermarket line. i finally stuck up for myself today when a man jumped over to the next available ATM even though it was my turn. i said excuse me in a fairly nice way and then he let me go.

popo was reminding me how shy i was when i got here and how i'm so different now. peter was saying i'm very self motivated and determined. i guess that's true. i like to see things happen. he tells me i'm not a quitter, and that i win the record for being the girl who stayed the longest at one time with SYN. only richard morton, the british guy holds a longer record than me. and he's a pretty intense guy who would walk right up to an elephant or something, so i guess being 2nd to him is an honor. anyway, it's certainly not a contest, and i've only been able to pull through everything b/c of God. i look back at my life and what i was like before college. it's a huge miracle that God has brought me here b/c i used to hate being away from home. i mean i was the cryer at all the slumber parties in elementary schools :) just goes to show that God can really change a person. i look at people like lauren, who can adapt to just about anywhere and never miss home. i wish i was more like that. but the truth is that as much as i enjoy being in new places it's still stretching for me. i guess i will always have an attachment to my roots but a longing to venture out somewhere new.

10 pounds heavier in 1 day!

i gained 10 pounds yesterday...5 in hair weight; 5 from amazing food. let me clarify this slight exaggeration. i got my hair plaited yesterday: a 5 1/2 hour adventure. it looks pretty sweet, but oh my goodness the girl used 4 1/2 packages of extensions! it is so heavy! i mean seriously my head is in pain now b/c of all the weight. she had to sew together the ponytail part in the back with a needle and thread b/c it couldn't stay up on it's own. i kept waking up during the night b/c i can only sleep on the side of my head. but hey, this hair thing really works to your advantage around here. like at the post office today, the woman was commenting about how nice it was and she didn't get mad about looking for my package like on normal days. i think i have a new record going...i was only at the post office for 1 hour 20 minutes today. i found some really nice guy who tried, with no luck unfortunately, to find other things of mine there that have been missing. as soon as he saw my name he said he recognized it. he took my email and said he'd let me know if any of my stuff showed up. even though this will be long after i'm gone at least maybe victor or someone can go get it. another american girl was there and she finally got her package that had been sent in october! TIA.

the 5 pounds of food: we made tacos and crepes last night...even our own tortillas and guac and homemade whipped cream with cooked cinnamon apples for the crepes. soooo good! lauren was having an interesting time with the crepes b/c the frying pan at the house is missing the handle, so she had to blow on the batter to get it to spread out. plus the little gas cooker thing is hard to control and the gas will start going on really high heat without even touching anything and then everything burns.

milly is staying around to be our house girl. she's just been filling in temporarily but has decided to stay. i'm surprised but glad for her. she says she gets to go home on sundays for church and then come back since she lives nearby in kibera. that will be a good break i'm sure. it's funny b/c everlyn called last night on victor's phone about something milham was helping her with. so basically everyone in the house is secretly in contact with everlyn except amie and peter. guess we all know she's a good person.

please start praying for my safe journey home on friday night. and that my luggage gets there and that i have no problems with my slightly illegal visa. i started getting all sappy about leaving on sunday. i mean it just hit me that my life is absolutely going to change drastically in 4 days.

name that disease

i had to just about laugh today when popo told me he went to the health clinic in kibera and he was told that he had malaria and cholera. melissa and i asked what his symptoms were. he gets headaches, he can't breathe well out of his nose, and his throat is bothering him. i think he has a sinus infection, which is what i have and lauren just had. obviously if you had cholera you'd have diahorrea and if you had malaria you'd have a fever and be vomiting. what's with these crazy doctors here??? popo was feeling really dizzy which obviously was from that stupid malaria medicine.

today was my last day at blue house, so the kids were all hugging me and telling me bye. yesterday at BOLM i made rodgers tell zackayo in swahili that i would be leaving friday. he didn't really believe rodgers at first and started laughing. but we told him again and he looked so sad.

after leaving blue house, we were walking towards popo's house. two women got in a fight and yelling at each other. one woman was walking away past us, so we got caught a bit in the middle. fortunately we got out of the way before she started throwing rocks.

i stayed with maria last night. she made all sorts of good food as usual. she is enjoying her volunteering experience at a local school so much, and keeps telling me that it's me that got her to do it. but if it's anything i did, then it's just God, period. that's it. maria seems much happier now that she has more to do and something to look forward to each week. i think volunteering does that to you. anyway, maria gave me this beautiful hand woven ethiopian scarf as a good bye gift. i love it. it's so me.

i think the bugs are mostly done eating my drum, and so i'm going to try to take it home. i finally found a bag to fit it in today. it's wierd packing up all my stuff. i've given away most of my clothes and lots of things that i brought. it feels good to downsize and bring back less. i'm going to get home to my closet full of clothes and be in complete shock over how much i have.

there's a fountain flowing...

I'm thrilled to announce that a recent breaking of a water pipe at the house has resulted in an abundance of water and hot showers. While Collin was here, he was trying to help turn on the pump to bring water into the house. Somehow it broke, and it has been a glorious thing. it was a bit chaotic that night as we kept filling up buckets of water in the front "yard" (um it's all cement and dirt there) where the pipe was and then carrying it to the back of the house where the storage containers of water are kept. the water just kept coming and coming and wouldn't stop. the plumber came the next day, fixed the pipe, and also said something was clogged, which was increasing the water shortage, but he fixed that. last week i took a hot shower 3 times!!! and this week once already! as far as i'm concerned, the pipes should break every week if this is what happens.

please pray for the people in northern kenya. there is a massive famine going on because of the drought here.

yesterday i went for my last java trip with melissa, lauren, and we took jane for her first time. i ate quesadillas and apple pie and ice cream. it feels so good to act american for one meal.

i did the last major activity i'll do with the older juvenile boys today. we got to do our body of christ skit that we were supposed to do in siaya. there's this australian man that's probably about 60 there volunteering right now. he participated in all our songs and games and popo had him doing all sorts of goofy dance moves. i thought the guy was being a pretty good sport. we can always be young at heart.

i took everyone to see the movie "changeling" on tuesday night. a good one; i'd recommend it. also a glorious experience b/c they had mustard for my hotdog. american condiments are hard to come by here. the ketchup is watery sugary tomato something that i'm not a fan of. in any case the movie is quiet tragic and sad. i can't imagine being in the mom's shoes and spending half of your life absolutely restless with no peace.

i only have 8 days left here, which is hard for me to believe. at times this journey has been a big challenge for me, but now it seems to have gone so quickly. i know that this country has forever changed my life and the way that i think. i have a new perspective of poverty, giving, faith, and how little you can survive on but still be happy and content. yet, there is so much of me that is the same that i wish would have transformed more. i'm always reminded of "Little Women" where Jo March says she is "hopelessly flawed." i'm still impatient, despite living in a slow culture. i'm still stubborn, even after needing to be flexible working with so many people. and i haven't become the prayer warrior that i would like to be. i'm convinced that change can come in our lives but it takes so much time. i hope that i will take back to america the best of this culture: the simplicity, thankfulness, friendship, patience, dancing, joy in small things; and then combine it with the best of america: trustworthiness, cleanliness, running water, not fried food, church services without shouting preachers, and free verizon to verizon calls.

tragedy

this could be a bit of a depressing post, so i apologize in advance. more stories from the nakumatt fire have been coming in. apparently the security guards locked people inside the store during the fire b/c they thought people were stealing things. i guess they didn't realize how severe the fire would be and that everything would burn up anyone. consequently, probably many people died that shouldn't have. this account makes me want to vomit, and peter said b/c of this he'll never shop there again. it looks as though over 40 people died. there were all sorts of pictures captured of people jumping out the 2nd story windows, hanging off of the awning (sp?). crazy how this constant lack of trust issue creates so many problems in this society.

another tragedy occurred a few days ago. an oil tanker overturned, and people went to collect the spilled oil (ordinary citizens, poor ones, i'm guessing). then there was some sort of argument and someone let a match, and lots of people died. then another oil tanker overturned yesterday, and people were back out collecting the oil again, oblivious or ignoring the recent tragedy only a day before.

there have been other fires as well...emma, my friend from kibera, had her tailor shop burned down by thugs. i went to visit her there, and it's so eery looking...everything in the little tin building has been charred black, and the remnants of sewing machines are the only things left inside. it's quite amazing that it didn't affect the other stores directly next to it. the watchman put out the fire, and i have to wonder how he did not see someone come in and start it. elisha's sister's house in kibera was also burned down. and then there's the horrible incident with sara's baby. sara used to teach at sara junior for a few months. she had a baby in october. we went to visit her the saturday before i left for kogelo. the baby was beautiful, and we brought her baby clothes. she had been in the hospital for pneumonia 2 weeks before, but seemed to be doing fine. i found out a few days later that the baby died the following day. something was wrong with the way the umbilical cord was tied, and it affected her breathing (or so they say, but who knows around here). we were told that her stomach inflated like a balloon and then she stopped breathing. what really upsets me is that this baby had just been in the hospital, so if something was wrong, why didn't anyone catch it? it's b/c medical care is so absolutely bad here. this is such a tragic story. please pray for sara.

it's amazing how people do not know any of the basics about illnesses. like lauren has a bad cold, and milham went with her to the store to get some things to help her heal. milham told her not to get anything citris b/c the acid was bad for her stomach. he suggested milk!!! lauren had to explain that actually vitamin c is the best thing you can take. wow!

on a happy note, i passed this pharmacy in kogelo and it was called "Most High Drugstore". nice.

in other good news, i took yesterday to be a tourist here. we went to the giraffe center in nairobi. the giraffes there are tame, and we got to feed them. they eat right out of your hand. lauren and melissa let the giraffe "kiss" them by putting food in their mouths and having the giraffe lick/eat the food right from the mouth. one of the tourists there thought that popo was one of the guides working there and started asking him questions about the spots of these giraffes compared to the ones in masai mara. i laughed.

afterwards, melissa, popo, and i went to the kazuri bead factory. it's a fair trade company that makes ceramic jewelry and pottery. most of the over 300 people working there are single moms. it's such an awesome employment opportunity. i got to see the way all the kilns work and women glazing and sculpting the beads. they make 30,000 beads by hand everyday! we also passed by the karen blixen house, the woman from the Out of Africa story (meryl streep movie also from the 80's or 90's). it was good to take a break and enjoy the city. i'm so burned out right now and just tired. it's becoming difficult for me b/c kenyans have a lot of issues with confrontation. they just avoid it, which leads to talking behind people's backs, which is bad, and quite damaging to ministry. this is really frustrating lauren and i. i end up internalizing everything, which is also unhealthy. please pray for swahiba. there are a lot of good things that they are doing, but the disorganization makes things quite ineffective, and leads to people like me finding a lot of ways to serve on their own. i think if things are going to grow and become more effective around here that there need to be a lot of changes and push towards unity. also please pray for me as i get ready to come home. i'm excited to see all of you, but i know that reverse culture shock is going to be so difficult for me. i'm afraid of easily becoming depressed b/c of what i've seen here and wondering about what i've done to help as well as by the lack of not knowing what is next in my life.

by the way we had another house girl, mary leave. goodness we should keep a running tally or something.