i'm home

first, here's some clips of what i wrote in my journal during my time in the airport:

is this really for real? that i'm sitting in an airport about to go home for the first time since June? ti's so crazy b/c i felt this day would never come, and yet here it is, having come so quickly. and suddnly i have this new feeling of not wanting to go back. of knowing how difficult it's going to be. i think i'll always wish i could fuse together various places, times, and people that i've encountered. i'm alway stuck in the middle of these separate wrlds. i haven't been emotional much until the evening was winding down. the entire day was just a blur--another walk in kibera, another visit at popo's, another day of art at BOLM and me frustrated rying to cram so many people in 1 room. somewhere after all this i started to get sad. maybe it was Dottie giving me her old pink skirt as a thank you (i had told her a few weeks ago i liked it) and me knowing she hardly has anything. or maybe it was all the thank you notes and hugs and sappiness. and the anxiety overy leaving and wondering if my bags were too heavy or if i'd get stopped at immigration. but God is good and faithful and there were no problems (i scoped out the immigration people ahead of time and looked for the smiling ones).

these americans are sitting here whining about having their crochet needles taken (read the website people). why are americans always the loud, obnoxious ones?

ways my life will change tomorrow:
today i ride in a mat. tomorrow a car
today i eat only carbs. let the fruit/veggies begin tomorrow
today i'm hiding money undr my clothes. tomorrow i can safely carry a pure.

feb. 14 london, heathrow airport
it's quite an overwhelming odd expereince sitting here people watching at startbucks, where I just spent $7 on chair and a muffin, which is hard for me to fathom b/c i could have spent the same and bought a large meal for 3 people in nairobi. the 1st thing you notice is the overwhleming sense of fashion pervading life here. i've never seen an airport with so many perfume stores and expensive clothing shops. everyone's wearing a peacoat except for me here in my Jesus sandls that barely fit after my feet swelled like a pregnant woman during that flight. i scared the man next to me half to death trying to jump over him unsuccessfully on my way to the toilet. (i didn't want to wake him up).

i've forgotten how fast fast foo dis. it's funny watching people run through the terminal after never having to worry about being late. with my hair plaited and this loud, floral shirt, i stick out like well. the only slight cultural redeeming quality is my purse from Melissa (from target and from this season and similar to what everyone is carrying around here) and the fact that i'm wearing blac. my head is starting to spin and i feel off balance from lack of sleep and al this traveling. i have to laugh at all the Ugg boots and LL Bean bags--the dressing to impress. the BA customer service woman was complimenting about my hair and where i traveled from.

tara says she likes the long journey back home, that it gives her time to reflect, adjust, and prepare for what's next. i don't think i like it. it's too prolonged of a period waiting full of anticipation but of not knowing what to expect, which I suppose leads to anxiety. anxiety of waiting and wondering if i'm going to get through immigration w/o problems.

it's a short term limbo that feels much longer than it actually is. limbo b/c you look back at the people you've left behind wi fond memories and sadness at being removed from their lives and looking ahead to the people at home which are part of your past and yet they will again shape your future. it's like a time machine--you've been taken forward into this new life and now you're jolted back to the old, expected to pick up somewhere where you left off. in this limbo your body doesn't relly know which way it wants to go. there are gravatational pulls on both sides, leaving you confused and exhausted. combine all these forces with jet lag and your body becomes a swirling mess of dizziness and confusion.

i suppose an instant jolt form 1 culture to the next would be too drastic of a change and cause more problems. so despite the exhaustion of the limbo, at least it gives you time for reality to sink in that life is about to drastically change. at least the airport provides the beginning platform for culture shock--the materialism, consumerism, before you walk out the doors to "actual life."

chicago airport:
the one thing americans do slower are phone conversations--on and on, just like in person, with no worries about running out of minutes.

my hair is opening so many doors for conversations with african americans. they all keep stopping me on the way through security and while walking around the airport. "she did good girl. it even looks like your hair." i like this.

feb. 16, today right now:
i had a nice welcoming in the airport: mom, dad, ashley, andrea, judy, jeff, kristen, nedra, jeff, brooke, matt, ryan. they were all holding big signs, blowing bubbles, and yelling. i started running up the terminal when i saw them and all the security guards were turning around wondering what was going on. my face hurt from smiling so much in that first 5 minute.

i have been pigging out like it's thanksgiving or christmas. seriously, not joking. i came home and ate lots of fruits an vegetables that mom had ready. on the plane it was funny b/c they brought us chicken and pasta and salad and i loved it even if was like eating cafeteria food. i've never been so excited to eat plane food.

i've already changed from how i was in kenya b/c i havent' been shaking people's hands like you do there. i guess i've been giving lots of hugs though. there's been several comments by people now who thought that i'd come back really skinny. i had to explain that no, most africans are not super skinny. and lots of people thought i lived in a hut or something? come on now.

being home is fine. but i suspect after the celebrity feeling rubs off in a few weeks that reality is going to set in. the reality of not having job and being clueless about what's next for me in life. i pray that God will open doors and give me wisdom about where i am being called next.